ARE YOU PAIN AVERSE?
When we stub our toe we are quick to lift our foot away from the offending object and will be very careful about what shoe we put on or where we place our foot for the next day or so.
Relationships are similar…. when we experience pain from a significant person in our life – it could be a sibling or a friend who has betrayed us by gossiping about something we thought we had told in confidence to them.
It might be our spouse who has deeply disappointed us by not fulfilling a need or a promise that we held dearly.
Rather than addressing it straight away the proverbial “sweep the issue under the carpet” becomes our way of not dealing with concerns and therefore do not have the practice of speaking up when something serious happens.
The more we bottle up, the colder and more distant the relationship becomes until it feels like there is a mountain between you.
When we are small our parents are quick to relate feelings and emotions to the behaviours they see:
- You are happy now…
- You are cross because…
- You look sad…
But through the teen years into adulthood, we are somehow socialised to not give expression to own our feelings and thus leave others in the dark about how we really feel.
Often what drives us apart is the shutting down of emotions because we do not feel safe to speak up and share our feelings.
So when someone is struggling with the distance they feel in a particular relationship Courageous Conversations is a structured way in which to start opening up and speaking your truth to one another.
“ I was really angry when….” Or “ I am really sad that…..”
is the start of being able to connect again learn new ways of addressing issues in the moment thus finding a resolution quickly together rather than assumptions and unintended consequences.