I have been working with a couple for a few sessions focusing on their communication. They have been together since their Varsity days and living together for the last four years, with the intention to get married.
The issue they presented with, was regarding their inability to resolve differences without a hectic argument and then he gives in to whatever she wants or thinks is right.
Looking in on their life together it seems it runs smoothly as long as it runs to her agenda.
After an argument, she realises he is not happy because he withdraws at that moment and cannot understand why he doesn’t want to be intimate but rather giving her the cold shoulder.
So, over a few sessions, we practised like this:
“Honey, this weekend I would really like to have some quiet time at home, just the two of us. Can we plan to not go out on Sunday, but just relax and do stuff around the house on Sunday together? It would mean a lot to me”.
“So, what I hear you say is that you want to have a quiet weekend just the two of us – have I got you?”
“ Yes, I am happy to do that this weekend with you on Sunday – On Saturday afternoon I need to go to Jane’s baby shower. Are you ok with me going off to do that alone and for the rest of the weekend we can be together?”
“Absolutely! I can go to the Hardware when you are out, so we can hang the pictures together on Sunday”
When you LOVE someone, you LOVE the person as they are and not as you’d like them to be“
– Leo Tolstoy –
And so, both needs are met. Her need for socialising and his desire for fixing up the home and having quality time together.
We often get hooked in cycles of demands, rather than requests and discussions. Taking time to plan for weekends a few days in advance and for bigger events much earlier can make all the difference.
Sharing our desires with our loved one is the first step to making it happen. Calm easeful communication enables both sides to be heard and a middle road of mutual agreement to be found. A little give and take on both sides can go a long way to harmonious living.
4 SIMPLE STEPS TO GOOD COMMUNICATION
1 Ask your partner when is a good time to discuss plans for the weekend – (you are already planting the seed of the topic which helps your partner prepare for the topic of conversation and they will come to the conversation prepared)
2 State clearly and calmly what it is you want/need and would they be willing to do that. And wait for the reply – do not interrupt their thoughts and response.
3 Confirm what you have heard them say and ask if there is anything they would like to add or ask for.
4 hen listen to their response or close with an appreciation for the agreement you have both just made.
Events & Workshops
10 Aug 2019: Equine Assisted Learning & Leadership Workshops
Venue: The EARTH Centre, 125 Peter Road, Ruimsig, Johannesburg
Cost: R1800 p/p including lunch
Book online: Quicket URL: https://qkt.io/3DnG8j
11 Sept 2019: 1-Day Worskhop – Introduction to The Thinking Environment
Based on Nancy Kline’s book “Time to Think” ™
Venue: Blandford Manor, Northriding, Randburg, Johannesburg
Cost: R1850 p/p including lunch and refreshments
Book online: Quicket URL: https://qkt.io/eCHeyc
25 Sept 2019: Equine Assisted Learning & Leadership Workshops
Venue: To be advised – Johannesburg